I'm not sure why, but I often get letters from women asking me how to handle issues with their husbands or ex-husbands. In most cases, I do not feel qualified to answer these letters. I am not a mental health professional, and I have no training in these areas. Occasionally, however, there are letters that I feel that I am qualified to answer. The unusual letter below is an example.  Hannah, a woman in Texas, recently wrote:

"Dear Glenn,

"I am sure you are extremely busy, but I hope you will have time to read my email. I will try to be brief. When I was in college, I took a course entitled 'Feminism and Philosophy.' It was many years ago so I can't recall what specifically was taught, but since I am an idealist who believes in equal opportunities and rights for all people, I labeled myself as a feminist. I did nothing else to support this cause and I certainly did not advocate discrimination against men.

"Fast forward 18 years to now. My husband has begun reading your website and others and is educating himself on male discrimination. He is extremely angry at me because 'my cause' caused all these problems for men and I 'supported' it. He has been educating me on male discrimination and it is opening my eyes. I no longer wear the label 'feminist' but my personal beliefs and hopes for equality for ALL people have not changed. My problem is that my husband's anger is overwhelming and he refuses to acknowledge that I really can see how men are actively discriminated against. I have read a lot of your site. My question for you is, what do you think I can do to show my husband that I do see many of the problems men are facing, and that I advocate fair treatment for all people male/female/white/black/all religions, etc? Please help!!! Thanks for reading.

"Regards,
Hannah"

My response is below:

Dear Hannah,

I read this letter and almost fell off my chair.  If all is as you describe it, I think your husband is being very unfair to you, and feel free to let him know that I said so.  A few points:

1) When you were a feminist in college in the 1980s, it was not an unreasonable thing to do. The feminist movement had legitimate grievances, and many college students of that era, including myself, were sympathetic.

2) It is ludicrous to hold someone such as yourself personally responsible for the excesses and problems that feminism has created. 

3) Many of the problems men and fathers face today were not created simply by feminism.  Some of them were created by chivalrous males and conservatives.  Some of them were created by lawyers and government bureaucrats.  Some of them were created because the average man is far more likely to be concerned about an injustice or problem that a woman faces than one faced by a man.  Some of the injustices happen because men, as a whole, have not done much to defend themselves.  Feminists certainly bear part of the blame for the problems that men and fathers face today, but only part.

4) I think that many of the husbands reading this blog would be grateful and thankful to have a wife such as yourself, who has made a real effort to try to understand men's and fathers' issues.  It seems to me that you do not need to do anything to "show your husband that I do see many of the problems men are facing."  It seems that you already have.

[Late note: Hannah's husband has responded to my response to his wife--see my post Hannah's Husband Fires Back, Calls My Advice to His Wife 'Disturbing and Disappointing'.]

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 27th, 2007 at 12:06 pm and is filed under Feminism/NOW, Marriage. You can trackback from your own site.