Is This You? Reporter Looking for Divorced Dads Who Feel Usurped by Their Ex-Wives' New Husbands
March 14th, 2008 by Glenn Sacks, MA for Fathers & FamiliesI was recently contacted by a reporter who is looking for divorced fathers who feel their place in their families and their kids' lives has been usurped by their ex-wives' new husbands. According to the reporter:
"The piece will be on stepfathers and how they complicate the father/child relationship...guys who feel usurped in their role, not men who feel that the stepfather is abusive."
If this is you, please send me a 100 word summary by clicking here.
Interestingly, we have discussed several Country & Western songs about divorced dads which center on this theme. A couple examples are:
1) Country and Western singer Toby Keith's Who's That Man?. (If you want to shed a tear, watch the last 20 seconds of this video.)
2) Doug Supernaw's 'I Don't Call Him Daddy'.
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March 14th, 2008 at 10:17 am
Very interesting piece I suspect this will be. My ex doesn't have a man in her life (to my knowledge) so I have no experience in that area. However, I'm also on the flip side and my partner and her ex have an amicable relationship with a 50/50 custody arrangement. We're actually quite friendly and will share the occasional drink and cigar. On that end of the scale, everything is focused on harmony and parenting the children.
I've never given consideration to that thought since I am in his (their) kids lives half the time (sometimes more). I do know that he has told me outright that he doesn't think he could have asked for a better "other parent" (paraphrased) in his children's lives, which is a compliment of gigantic proportions to me. This same guy was willing to come to court on my behalf throughout my trainwreck and stepped right up when we were falsely accuse of child abuse by my psycho ex-wife, primarily because it impacted their children as well as my own.
I know "my place" in that dynamic and I only hope that he doesn't feel usurped by my rather significant presence in his kids' lives.
March 14th, 2008 at 10:54 am
The greatest tragedy is that the danger of abuse of children goes through the roof when their biological father leaves the home. A man who has no genetic "investment" in the children in his household is simply not as concerned with the welfare of those children. And, statistically, a single mother is a much worse parent than a single father.
March 14th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
How about a divorced dad who feels usurped by their government?
March 14th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
His email server would crash.
March 14th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
How about daddy judge that breaks up families for the Title IV-d and VAWA dollars that covers his paycheck and he is does not pay support to children that he has victimized.
Marcy Ganz
San Diego, CA
http://crispe.org/forum
March 15th, 2008 at 12:51 am
I do, but it's not hitting the news.
March 17th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
I thank God that my ex-wife with whom I have 2 children married a good man. He never interfers in my relationship with my kids, and they call him by his name, and not "dad." My kids are with me half of the time, (or as much as they want to be), which can be for a couple of weeks at a time. I live near my ex-wife and the kids are free to come and go to either house. This is not how it was. We divorced in 1996, and she remarried in 1998. For the first few years after the divorce, she tried to alienate me the best that she could, and it worked for a while. When she remarried they had a daughter and things started to get better for me. There first few years were tough, only seeing my kids 4 days a month and so on. I always felt that if I stayed as close to my kids as possible that they would want to be with me more as time went by. As they got older, (they were 3 & 6 months when we divorced), I believe that due to her new husband's belief and dedication to being a father to their child, that he actually got her to relax, and then we left it up to the kids. I think he played a good part in that. It's funny, he is not the kind of guy I would hang out with, but I am glad she married him.
March 18th, 2008 at 8:37 am
My husband is going through this with his ex-wife's boyfriend. He dictates every aspect of the kids' relationship with their father. Anyway, song-wise, I wanted to add that Tim McGraw song, "Do You Want Fries with That".
March 18th, 2008 at 9:18 am
Glenn,
You and I have kept in distant, yet constant contact via email for well over a year now. I just recently got wind of the request for "volunteers" to share their stories for an assumed upcoming article. I hope my response is timely enough. My story has a distinct twist to it.
My family was dissolved from under my feet over three years ago. Since then, the ongoing collaborative efforts to intentionally usurp and undermine my role as a parent and to provide the daily paternal/male role model for my young school-aged children is not being engaged in a by a new husband (the chance of that occuring is slim to none), but is actually being done by my Ex's stepfather-in-law. The unfortunate current success of these efforts is afforded by the fact that I was "awarded" (as if I had entered into some sort of lottery) by the local courts far less residential time with my children than the mother resulting in distinctly greater actively facilitated contact with "Papa" than with me.
I have never been solicited to look after or provide for the needs of my own biological children in their mother's periodic absences, when she is either unable or unwilling to do so as "awarded" by the courts. As a result, trips to health care providers in times of illness, transportation needs for extra-curricular activities, picking them up after school because "...Mommy went to a meeting today so we couldn't ride the bus", or even doing special homework "projects" have been systematically (mis)directed away from Daddy, and priority/preference placed upon extended family members. The ongoing effects upon the kids have been cumulative over the past few years. At one point, my then 4 year old son regularly mistook my voice over the phone, or even in addressing me in person, for the Ex stepfather-in-law's, simply due to the fact of the unnaturally limited amount of contact he has had with me.
March 18th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
It happens all the time. To my complete shock my ex-wife filed for Divorce. Ibegged her to go to a Marriage councellor so I would at least know what the problem was. She refused. Then my still married to me ex-wife moved her married boyfriend into the house with my children. I learned of this when on a regular scheduled weekend visit with my then 5 yr old daughter asked me "Daddy why does M**** live with us when he is married to c**** " my heart was broken that a young innocent child was put in such a horrible situation. This man would send back cards that I sent my Children with a note on them saying "DO NOT WRITE" This man then retained his low-life Attorney as a gift to my ex. With his Attorney's aid they filed false allegations of abuse against me. The false allegations led to a Restraining Order that eliminated me from my children's lives. Several years later the State Appeals Court Vacated the Restraing Order citing the distinct overtone of the use of the Restraining Order as a Weapon against me. Now 8 years later I have never seen my Children again. Thanks to brainwashing and Lies. They have a new Dad and it's not their Father.
March 18th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
John DiBiase Jr. Says:
My ex-wife took on a new partner almost as soon as I moved out from our apartment on December 1, 1998. A few
weeks after I moved out I noticed a van parked in my ex-e's driveway when I would pick up my son which made me suspect it had been there overnight. I later found out that this guy had moevd in with my my wife and that he was
working for the Housing Authority as a maintainence man. He lived with my ex-wife and my son for the next 5 years, on and off. A number of years ago, I was taking my son home after a visit and this guy was standing on the front porch with his hands on his hips, waiting for my son to get out of the car. I was hesitant because my wife was not there and I didn't want to leave him there without my ex-wife being there. I reluctantly did leave him there there rather than to cause any conflict. He acted like he was his son and I had no right to my son. On another occasion I went to my son's second grade graduation and I arrived there a little late because I live out of town from my son. When I got there with my video cammera I had to put the trypod up in back of the room because the room was alkready full. To make a long story short, my ex-fe and her live in alien companion from Equador was sitting there in the front row and this guy was taking videos of my son. After the graduation ceremonies were over, there was a little party and when I went to the room to congradulate my son for his graduating, I found them all sitting together at a small table and my son gestured for me to leave. You could imagine how that made me feel. I have hidden disabilities and my son doen't understand that I am unable to work and he is always telling me I should get a job. His step dads I just found out make about a thousand a week, so that makes me look bad in his eyes. I only get $1,000 a month from my SSDI.
My son's step father is always taking him out to resteraunts and I can't compete with that. My son's mother is always disparaging me, even in front of our son or on the phone. He is 12 years old now and doesn't want anything to do with me now becuase I won't go back with his mother. He thinks I am still in Love with her and I think his mother is partly to blame for his thinking that. I am happily remarried and don't have any intentions to go back with his mother.
I have been trying to regain custody of my son for the last 9 years to no avail. When he was younger he wanted to come and live with me but he has given up on that idea now especially now that he has a G.A.L.. She has been my worst nightmare.
March 23rd, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Watching the video for "Who'sThat Man?" I was aware that if a father actually did that, i.e. drive past and back the house and family that he was expelled from, this woud be more than enough for a protection order to be slapped on him, and perhaps a criminal conviction for stalking.