"Daughters: How was your father treated after the divorce?...If you haven’t heard your father’s side of the story, now’s the time."

Dr. Linda Nielsen, the president of the American Coalition for Fathers & Children, often writes about fathers and daughters. Her latest book, Between Fathers and Daughters: Enriching or Rebuilding Your Adult Relationship, has an excellent chapter on the devastating effects that divorce often has upon the father-daughter relationship. 

Nielsen writes:

As father and daughter, it’s time to talk about how dad was treated as a parent after the divorce. Did he feel welcomed and valued as a father? How did your teachers, doctors, relatives, coaches and neighbors treat him? Did these people dump your dad as a parent?  

Use the 'Dumped Dad' quiz to talk about his experiences. But you both have to agree on one thing: neither of you is going to talk about your mother while you’re doing this quiz. You are only going to talk about how the other adults treated your father.

The Dumped Dad Quiz--How was your father treated after the divorce?   

? = not sure 0=no/never 1=rarely 2= fairly often 3= almost always/yes

___My father was given almost equal time as mom had with us kids .
___My father was legally allowed to have almost as much time with us kids as our mother had.
___My friends treated my dad the same way they did when my parents were married.
___My doctors, counselors and teachers kept my father informed about me.
___My school sent information to my father just like they did for my mother.
___If I saw a therapist, he or she included my father in the counseling sessions.
___My teachers made sure my father was invited and welcomed in parent activities.
___My friends’ parents continued to treat my father like a full-fledged parent.
___My dad was told far enough in advance about my activities so he could arrange to attend.
___Adults in our religious community continued to treat my father as a full-fledged parent..

____Your Score

Nielsen writes:

As a father, you may have been luckier than most in terms of how the legal system treated you. Tell your daughter about your experiences with the people who were making the decisions about how much time you would be allowed to spend with her. As a daughter, you may already know how each of your parent’s felt about how much time you should spend with each of them. But if you haven’t heard your father’s side of the story, now’s the time.

Tragically there is still a strong bias against fathers in the legal system. Many lawyers and judges favor mothers in dividing the time between parents. Mediators, social workers and psychologists tend to oppose letting fathers have anywhere near equal time with their children – especially if the children are young.  

Yes, dads have the legal right to hire lawyers and fight for more time with the kids. But that takes money and time – and lots of both. Not surprisingly then, dads aren’t a whole lot more likely than they were 30 years ago to get anywhere near equal time with their kids.  

Obviously we can’t place all the blame on biased laws. There are fathers who choose not to spend time with their kids after divorce – men who weren’t very involved with the kids during their marriage either. But the overwhelming majority of divorced dads want to stay – and make every effort to stay- involved in their children’s lives.

To order the book or to learn more, click here. Also, see my blog post Divorced Dads: How Would Your Son or Daughter Answer This Quiz? (Part I).

This entry was posted on Friday, August 22nd, 2008 at 1:22 pm and is filed under Divorce/Separation/Child Custody, American Coalition for Fathers & Children (ACFC). You can trackback from your own site.