Kathleen Parker: 'I learned that men are capable of honor, valor, compassion and courage'
January 6th, 2009 by Glenn Sacks, MA for Fathers & Families
"Each day after school, I joined [my father] at his law office where I did my homework until he finished up. Once home, we convened in the kitchen where he cooked while I perched on a wooden stool peeling potatoes. We talked.
"In that ritualized communion, I learned many useful lessons about the opposite sex. I learned that men like to talk while doing something else...I learned that fathers adore their children and will sacrifice anything to help them succeed.
"I learned that fathers will lay their lives down for their children. I learned that men are capable of honor, valor, compassion and courage and that they are essential to instilling those virtues in their sons and daughters."--Kathleen Parker, on her father, Hal Connor
Syndicated columnist Kathleen Parker, author of Save the Males, was raised by a single father after her mother died when she was an infant. Twelve years ago Parker wrote a heart-wrenching column about her father's death--it is reprinted below.
Will our sons and daughters remember us so fondly?
I Have My Father's Hands
By Kathleen Parker
October, 1996
I have my father's hands.
I've always known that, of course, in the way that people always know they have their aunt's eyes or their great-grandmother's auburn hair.
Yet I'm startled to see his hands moving across the keyboard as I write. If I were not my father's daughter, I might weep. He would frown upon such self-indulgence, peering askance over the rim of his half-moon glasses, and say something to make me laugh instead.
He was not one to feel sorry for himself or to abide self-pity in others. He never wavered from that position, even as he spent the last two weeks of his life enduring the unendurable, fighting the inescapable in an intensive care unit in a hospital far from home.
My dad, J. Hal Connor, whom I unembarrassedly confess I called "Popsie," died a few days ago. He had been in the North Carolina mountains, breathing the Fall air he so loved, when things suddenly went bad. The local hospital, ill-equipped to handle his condition, sent him by ambulance to Emory University's Crawford Long Hospital in Atlanta.
It turns out the heart medicine he'd been taking for years had destroyed his liver. Suffice to say, the liver is a mean master. There's no easy way out, no quick exit. So I held my father's hands those two weeks, toughing it out with him as he would have for me. He knew me when I arrived, but became confused as the days passed.
One day he thought I was his mother, another his sister. One day when the doctor asked who I was, he shrugged and said, "I have no idea; some human."
I took his hand and said, "I don't care who you say I am just so long as you pick people you like."
Toward the end, he rarely opened his eyes and seemed to be in some faraway place. Then unexpectedly, he'd give a sign he was still paying attention. Once I told my sister and stepmother we probably should leave his room for a while so he wouldn't feel compelled to entertain us. I said he was probably thinking to himself, "I wish these people would bug off." He smiled.
Not once did he complain. Not once did he voluntarily express pain or annoyance, though his face sometimes betrayed the hurt inside. As I said, there was no easy out for this man, no quick fix. I don't know that he would have had it otherwise. He was above all a fighter.
My father was not a modern man. He was a World War II pilot for whom God and country were not a cliche nor a late-night punch line. He raised a flag every morning and lamented the lack of patriotic and prayerful beginnings to the public school day. He was an old-school lawyer who cussed and spat when attorneys started advertising. That was not his way.
He cussed and spat a lot in his latter years as we, in his words, began sending this great nation down the drain. The world of Oprah and Phil was neither of nor for him. Stoic both in his upbringing and his parenting, he didn't tolerate whimpering or whining.
His motto: "Keep your chin up and your eye on the ball."
You did what you had to do in life with aplomb and dignity, whether it was fighting for your country or defending your values and beliefs. His were non-negotiable. He was fair to all and looked down on no one. He demanded honor, loyalty and honesty from his constituents- always. Honor and loyalty to family were the same as honor and loyalty to country. You betrayed neither, and died for both if you had to.
His favorite saying, by Theodore Roosevelt, sums up my father's life and his legacy: "It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again ... and who, at the worst, if he fails at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."
I kissed my father's hands one final time as the hospital chaplain administered his last rites. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. As is this: Goodbye, Popsie. I'm glad I have your hands.
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January 6th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
It sounds to me like she generalized to all men, everything she learned about her father. Therefore it's a good thing he wasn't a bad guy..otherwise she wouldn't be "on our side". Still, it makes me wonder why she's into feminist ideology.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
“Kathleen Parker: 'I learned that men are capable of honor, valor, compassion and courage'”
Capable? I don't like the wording of that comment. It comes off as a left-handed compliment to me. Not to mention condescending.
What has MS. Parker learned about women's "capabilities"? Never mind. No one would ever word a question about women in that same manner in the media.
January 6th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
These women talk as if its some big surprise and revelation that a man can actually be all those things.But those of us who can look at men and fatherhood without the feminist perspective have always known the decency that most,if not all,men possess.Just look at all those people who sent letters to the late Tim Russert about their fathers for his two books.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
[...] man, no quick fix. I don't know that he would have had it otherwise. He was above all a fighter. (more...) I do not know her. But I would like to. This is a woman to cherish. And American. I have [...]
January 7th, 2009 at 12:07 am
Wow, I can't believe anyone is panning Parker's heartfelt eulogy to her father who is quite obviously her role model and hero. She is celebrating who he was as a human being and a man. She is sharing a piece of his strength and honor with us through this story. And she was working through the pain of her loss. Thank you Ms. Parker.
Where is the cynicism coming from?
January 7th, 2009 at 12:29 am
Eric said:
"Wow, I can't believe anyone is panning Parker's heartfelt eulogy to her father who is quite obviously her role model and hero. She is celebrating who he was as a human being and a man. She is sharing a piece of his strength and honor with us through this story. And she was working through the pain of her loss. Thank you Ms. Parker.
Where is the cynicism coming from?"
I would have to agree Eric. I think some of these guys are digging a little deep here to find something that isn't there. It was a nice story about the love she had for her father and his passing. I'm sorry for your loss Ms. Parker.
January 7th, 2009 at 12:55 am
I think the back-and-forth here is really people talking past each other. Yes, it's a wonderful thing that she loved her father so much and we shouldn't "pan" her for that. But as I have pointed out in the past about Parker, she inevitably leaves little, sometimes obnoxious, clues suggesting that maybe somethin' ain't quite right in wonderland.
I'll now "recuse" myself from this topic, so as not to contribute to too negative a spin being put on this thing. No doubt some of my own biases are at work here.
January 7th, 2009 at 3:51 am
"Eric Says
Wow, I can't believe anyone is panning Parker's heartfelt eulogy to her father who is quite obviously her role model and hero."
Eric must be new here. When i read this the first thing i thought was, now lets see someone complain about her not saying exactly everything they want her to say, and sure enough the usual suspects are at it again. Oh dear, some dogs never learn...
January 7th, 2009 at 6:47 am
Kathleen Parker has probably written more positive things about men and fathers and actually done more of substance to support them than many of the people who post here. She should be commended for her efforts.
Thank you Ms. Parker, I can't speak for anyone else, but my family and I greatly appreciate your efforts.
January 7th, 2009 at 7:57 am
I haven't read it, but I don't think she'd right a book called "save the males" if she had alterior motives. If she did it would be called "enslave the males" or something.
Also, when she "learned that men were good and honorable", she's talking about her childhood, when she was learning about a lot of things. She didn't come to that realization now.
January 7th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
I have to agree, this was a compelling article. I don't think she has any kind of test she has to pass, by the way, since she is only doing what she feels is right, and trying to persuade others to her point of view.
That does not require anyone's permission or approval.
Neither does posting it for discussion.
Questioning the motives of the author misses the point entirely IMHO. The fact that this goes out to a general public that is, shall we say, less particular in their reading, means the warmth and love is what comes through. If she was trying to undermine her ostensible position (a not unknown tactic in Propaganda) via wording this subtle, it's a wasted effort.
More likely a meaning "read into" the article, if you ask me.
January 8th, 2009 at 3:10 am
"Kathleen Parker has probably written more positive things about men and fathers and actually done more of substance to support them than many of the people who post here."
If I could make money from it like she is, I'd consider doing it. BTW speak for yourself. I contribute to lots of men's rights causes.
Did you buy her latest book? You could have made a contribution to Fathers and Families with that money.
January 8th, 2009 at 3:13 am
Factory says,
"[Parker's views] does not require anyone's permission or approval."
Agreed. By the same token, I do not need anyone's permission or approval to criticize her:)
January 8th, 2009 at 3:14 am
taidan19,,
I didn't say she had ulterior motives.
January 8th, 2009 at 3:20 am
In case you guys didn't notice, I decided to return to the thread. This is because I have noticed here (and elsewhere) that some guys on the board, such as Nelson, take advantage of a situation where someone indicates they will "not respond" or "no longer post", or etc. They do this by taking potshots or engaging in other behavior similar to that done, say , in a workplace environment when a coworker gets fired or quits.
January 8th, 2009 at 3:26 am
BTW, it seems like the idiot Nelson did not notice that one of his "usual suspects" is a woman in this case. Shame on him..criticizing a women in order to defend a woman. Double standard!
January 8th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
# Norman L. Says:
January 8th, 2009 at 3:26 am
BTW, it seems like the idiot Nelson did not notice that one of his "usual suspects" is a woman in this case. Shame on him..criticizing a women in order to defend a woman. Double standard!
________________________
Don't know if I'm the "one of the usual suspects" who is the woman being criticized to defend another woman or not but in any event I wrote Nelson off long ago. He can say what ever he likes about me...I certainly can't stop him but I CAN stop reading his stuff. And I have. Self-control is highly under-rated in some circles here.
January 8th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
perspicacious,
agreed. I like your attitude. (it was you I was referring to - sorry if I put you in the limelight).
January 11th, 2009 at 6:25 am
One has to write off many of the men here - it's the only manner in which to keep sane.