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The Onion: ‘I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call’

July 25th, 2009 by Glenn Sacks, MA for Fathers & Families

“If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other jerks I date and pretend I don’t see how much it crushes you. Let’s never lose that. That’s what makes us us…

“Don’t worry. You’re so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You’ll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I’ll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won’t believe it when you say we’re just friends. But when she dumps you, that’s just what we’ll be.

“Best friends. Friends forever.”

The Onion, on women, dating, nice guys, and jerks. From Kimberly Pruitt’s But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them (6/9/09):

I really like you. I do. You’re so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don’t really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don’t you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do…It’s just…you’re like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you’ve spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

Read the full satire here.

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