Director of Co-Ed DV Shelter Details Her Experiences Serving both Male & Female DV Victims
July 25th, 2009 by Glenn Sacks, MA for Fathers & Families
I recently attended the excellent Los Angeles domestic violence conference "From Ideology to Inclusion 2009: New Directions in Domestic Violence Research and Intervention."
The conference featured many domestic violence dissidents--researchers and clinicians who do not believe that the mainstream domestic violence establishment and its "men as perpetrators/women as victims" conceptual framework is properly serving those involved in family violence.
Carol Crabson is the Executive Director of the Valley Oasis domestic violence shelter, which has served male victims for 17 years. At the conference she discussed her experiences running a shelter which accepts male victims. She explained:
The way Valley Oasis is set up, we have four individual cottages. And the cottages over the years have been expanded and renovated, and so each cottage is in a unique little setup, depending. Some of the have two bedrooms, some three, some four. And they all have their own kitchens, their laundry facilities, a common area. So we utilize our setup to be able to provide services to all victims of domestic violence. We have a cottage for men, and men with children. We have rooms set up that we can bring in male children over the age of 13, and have them somewhat separated from female teenagers of the same age...
Our setup is conducive to being able to provide a wide variety of services to all victims of domestic violence. And more than that, it's the attitude of the staff. And for the past twelve-and-a-half years that I've been there, and previously to that, Patricia Overberg, the executive director, who 17 to 18 years ago, said, "Hey, all victims need services, nobody deserves to be hit," started bringing in male victims. So she set the stage, but also she set the climate, the culture, the attitude of that agency, that this is what we do.
We do have services specifically for male victims. They receive individual counseling, they receive men's support groups, they receive case management on an individual basis. But we also utilize transference and counter-transference in our groups. And we bring both genders in to do therapeutic groups. And what we find is that it's very effective to them.
Being able to talk to a male, for a female victim, who is not going to be abusive to her, who is not going to be condescending, or is not going to verbally attack her -- and vice versa -- really, it's part of the healing process. To be able to sit in a room with someone that will totally respect you, that can validate your feelings and your issues...
Many times what we get is that we will get a female sitting in a room with a male victim who will actually apologize to the male victim for what the spouse has done, and vice versa. The healing power of that is just -- you can almost watch it happen in a matter of seconds. That there's this change, this shift, this softness that comes over the faces of these two individuals. It's so powerful and rewarding.
So I know that it's very controversial, to put two genders into the same therapy, and to talk about that...We have not had an incident -- not one incident -- where anybody left the room, feeling that the individual of another gender in that room resulted in them feeling terrified, or resulted in them feeling unsafe or unable to talk...
All of our therapists have to be Masters level. In our child abuse treatment program, and a couple of our other programs, we have Ph.D. levels. And I do personally sit in on all group supervisions...I just want to make sure that the therapists coming in -- I want to know what their issues are. I do not want a therapist at that shelter that is coming in with their own garbage, their own baggage regarding male victims. That's very, very important to me.
[FYI, Carol got married a few years ago and changed her last name--readers might know of her from some of my previous newspaper columns as "Carol Ensign."--GS]
To read all reports from the Conference, please click here.
From Ideology to Inclusion 2009 featured some of the world's leading experts on domestic violence, many of whom serve on the Editorial Board of the new peer-reviewed academic journal, Partner Abuse, published by Springer Publishing Company. The conference was presented by the California Alliance for Families & Children and co-sponsored by The Family Violence Treatment & Education Association. Some of you may remember that I also wrote extensively about the 2008 conference--to learn more, click here.
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July 25th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
It looks like valley oasis is doing all the right things.I especially like how they screen potential new therapists to make sure they dont have any hostile attitudes regarding male victims.Despite the denial and resistance to the concept of male victims that is so common in the DV industry,I think there will likely be more shelters modeled after the one at valley oasis--because their approach works.
July 25th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Wow, somebody's doing something right!
I hope the powers that be copy it instead of trying ti kill it.
July 25th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
The current approach to domestic violence enables violent women.
July 26th, 2009 at 12:54 am
Denton, that is a very interesting point you make about testing. When prisons hire guards they test to make sure they done hire any sadists and when the border patrol hires they screen for racists. I don't know if it is feasible or even desirable but it might be one way to make sure that men's tax dollars don't go towards organizations that discriminate against men.
July 26th, 2009 at 1:35 am
"Being able to talk to a male, for a female victim, who is not going to be abusive to her, who is not going to be condescending, or is not going to verbally attack her -- and vice versa -- really, it's part of the healing process. To be able to sit in a room with someone that will totally respect you, that can validate your feelings and your issues...
Many times what we get is that we will get a female sitting in a room with a male victim who will actually apologize to the male victim for what the spouse has done, and vice versa. The healing power of that is just -- you can almost watch it happen in a matter of seconds. That there's this change, this shift, this softness that comes over the faces of these two individuals. It's so powerful and rewarding."
I had a slight tear in my eye after reading this. These people are a godsend and are the real heroes in Domestic Violence allowing such kindred connections to foster for the healing process.
July 26th, 2009 at 6:06 am
this kind of stuff is okay I suppose, but therapy in the sense of wallowing in your misery is really based on a female model. Males respond by doing so they need to have workshops or something where the men can keep busy doing things.
I realize of course that when women read this, the vast majority will say "this kind of therapy is not wallowing!" but that is how it feels to most men who are frank if you ask them.
The same is true about grief over death of a loved one. Kubler-Ross's model has always been the female one, and she simply does not realize that. This is all another example of how society tries to make men more like women. It will never solve anything and will in fact create confusion, resentment and more hardships for society including women.
July 26th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Norman, they can DO things AFTER they get their feelings out there and AFTER they learn that there are people (of both genders) who care about them and want to protect them. I know that if *I* were victimized by domestic abuse, I wouldn't want to go to a place just to hear the people there tell me, "Well, go work out in our shed on a wood project." I'd want people to understand where I was coming from and support me. It isn't about "making men more like women," because men already ARE "more like women," and that's exactly how it's supposed to be.
G.S., is Valley Oasis still being harassed by people from other shelters in the L.A. County area?
July 26th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
bmmg39,
I don't recall saying anything about telling guys straight off to go out to the wood shed. But again, most of the stuff you mention is based on a female model, for example "realize there are people who will protect me". The typical mentality seems to be that if men work on something, they are "in denial about their feelings, so they are behaving incorrectly".
I'd recommend you check into the work of Tom Golden.
July 26th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Thanks for all the work you have put into writing about this Glenn. We have a meeting with the elite from men's groups and women's groups as well as refuges tomorrow and we are collecting the best of information to copy and provide to each person.
This is great stuff and a wonderful tool to move forward. Thanks also for the way you put it all together.
July 26th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Norman, if I'm inadvertently misrepresenting what you wrote, then what sort of things will they be "working on"? Wanting someone to talk to or someone to help you out isn't part of a female model; it's part of a human model.
This whole "men are from Mars; women are from Venus" business has been used to screw over men with respect to a multitude of issues. It's one thing if a man simply prefers to be stoic; it's another if he's told from an early age that (as a man) he is to internalize everything and avoid seeking help until he explodes.
July 27th, 2009 at 2:25 am
bmmg39, what I am say is that you made it sound like I implied that as soon as the guy shows up at the d.v. shelter, they send him to work on something.
Mars and Venus? Recent scientific research in evolutionary psychology and other areas has shown that psychologically, women and men effectively live in different worlds. Also, brain imaging has shown fundamental differences in structure and composition between the two.
It's all in Moxon's book. Warren Farrell gave the book a very strong review and endorsement.
One problem is that the vast majority of the 'touchy-feely' professions are controlled by women, and these women almost always try to force the female paradigm upon the male. Nothing personal, but men who help them in this regard are either honorary women, in denial, or are just plain ignorant of the science.
July 27th, 2009 at 2:28 am
p.s. I am of course assuming that we're talking about things which are beyond 'Psych 101'
July 27th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
bmmg39 I think what Norman is trying to say is that DV victims, male or female, should be allowed to find their own to get the healing process going. Perhaps person A will start working on a painting while they talk about what happened while person B just curls up on a couch and pours her/his heart out while crying into a pillow while person C might....etc. People should be allowed to have their own way to heal.
July 27th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Great: let them find their own ways to healing. What isn't okay is shoe-horning one group of people (men) into one form of treatment, and another group (women) into another form. We are different because we are all unique human beings, not because of a gender difference. Whatever gender differences you believe exist, vulnerability and the need for help are not among them.
July 28th, 2009 at 1:01 am
"What isn't okay is shoe-horning one group of people (men) into one form of treatment, and another group (women) into another form."
okay, so I guess the solution is to shoehorn them all into one form of treatment - the kind women like.
July 29th, 2009 at 1:02 am
This is brilliant - firstly to balance the DV or Intimate partner violence issue ie that both men and women are victims and can be abusers - secondly they are in the place where they can heal.
July 30th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Norm, I just said that everyone can find his or her way to healing. There isn't One Right Path. Where you're wrong is where you suggest that one certain way is "the kind women like." The kind you say "women like" will be liked by many men, and disliked by many women. Again, every person is unique.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
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November 6th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
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