Study Examines Why Abused Men Don't Leave Their Wives
June 30th, 2009 by Glenn Sacks, MA for Fathers & Families
I recently attended the excellent Los Angeles domestic violence conference "From Ideology to Inclusion 2009: New Directions in Domestic Violence Research and Intervention."
The conference featured many domestic violence dissidents--researchers and clinicians who do not believe that the mainstream domestic violence establishment and its "men as perpetrators/women as victims" conceptual framework is properly serving those involved in family violence.
When discussing male victims of domestic violence on the radio, I'm often asked "Why don't they just leave?" My response has always been that they are in a difficult Catch-22:
They can't leave their wives because this would leave their children unprotected in the hands of an abuser. If they take their children, they can be arrested for kidnapping, and in any case when they're found, the children will be taken away and given to the mother. Moreover, they would probably lose custody of their children in the divorce anyway, again leaving their children in harm's way.
Denise Hines, Ph.D. is a research assistant psychology professor at Clark University and a research associate at the Family Research Laboratory and Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire. At the conference, Dr. Hines gave a presentation based on her study of this issue. What options do abused men have? And when they don't leave their wives, why not?
Hines' study included 302 heterosexual men, ages 18 to 59, who had been in a relationship lasting at least one month within the previous year, had been physically assaulted by their female partners within the previous year, and had sought outside assistance/support. The median age of the abused men was 40, and the median age of their abusive female partners was 38. The relationships had lasted on average a little over eight years, and 73% of them had minor children. About two-thirds were married, separated, or divorced.
Hines found that there were many different answers to the question "Why not leave her?" These included: "marriage is for life," love, "I think she'll change," "not enough money," "nowhere to go," "embarrassed others will find out," "she threatened suicide," and "she threatened to kill someone else."
However, the biggest reason why these study respondents said they did not leave their wives or female partners was that they were "concerned about the children." Of these, the overwhelming majority thought that if they left their abusive partners, they may "never see their children again." One explained, "I was advised that if I leave, I would hurt my chances of gaining custody of the children in the long run."
Many also feared that if they left their abusive partners, the partners would use the legal system against them. One abused man explained:
She has promised to lie and accuse me of physical abuse against her, sexual abuse of our daughter, if that helps her win custody.
Unfortunately, we know that such tactics are often effective. Another abused man responded:
She threatened to ruin me financially, ruin my professional reputation (we worked together), lock me out of the house, and tell the police anything she wants to tell them.
To read all reports from the Conference, please click here.
From Ideology to Inclusion 2009 featured some of the world's leading experts on domestic violence, many of whom serve on the Editorial Board of the new peer-reviewed academic journal, Partner Abuse, published by Springer Publishing Company. The conference was presented by the California Alliance for Families & Children and co-sponsored by The Family Violence Treatment & Education Association. Some of you may remember that I also wrote extensively about the 2008 conference--to learn more, click here.
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July 1st, 2009 at 9:20 am
My ex was remorseful and apologetic until she spoke to a divorce attorney. Then, she had the attitude that she could do anything to me that she wished, because if the police came out, for whatever reason, *I* was one to go to jail. I was faced with leaving the children with an abusive alcoholic, or being charged with domestic violence and child abuse.
I tried to forgive or understand my wife, to help her with whatever problem she was dealing with.
Finally, I just gritted my teeth, and refused to let go of the divorce proceeding, no matter how much she begged, pleaded that she would get counseling, no matter what emergency or crisis she fabricated, no matter how much she threatened to destroy my house, make my kids hate me, hurt or kill the kids, nor how much she threatened to have me put in prison, until we were done with the divorce, 5 years ago. I literally had nothing left to lose by fighting or capitulating. My choices were "get divorced" or "stop breathing".
We're still in court, she's still causing problems, for myself and others, and law enforcement turns a blind eye to what she does, at every level. Someone is always making an excuse for her, or justifying her behavior. Over the 9 years, the most consistent betrayal has been from law enforcement and the court system, which presume that I'm the problem, no matter what had actually happened.
I've read outright fabrications in the police reports - the police are not there to help, they are there to make an arrest and get someone convicted, period. The easiest one to do that to is the man, unless he's dead or under a car. They are not paid to sort out what happens, or figure out right from wrong. They make a snap decision when they arrive onscene, and it's all over but the paperwork.
My ex is a psychopath, but it takes gross indifference at every level to enable her to do what she's done and continues to do.
As far as I'm concerned, "marriage" has already been destroyed. It's nothing but a nightmare. The marxist-feminists have succeeded beyond their wildest dreams.
July 1st, 2009 at 9:22 am
One other point - Men are villified for leaving an abusive relationship, women are praised for it.
July 1st, 2009 at 2:02 pm
I met a guy who stayed with a violent abusive women, because he wanted to keep the kids safe from her unrestrained violence.
July 1st, 2009 at 3:16 pm
"They can't leave their wives because this would leave their children unprotected in the hands of an abuser."
That's a huge reason for men who are fathers, who are keen on misandric society. I personally know several men from coworkers to friends, who are in that very situation.
I also know men who blamed themselves. Feminist Hollywood, including TV with it's sitcoms dramas and talk shows, CONSTANTLY portrays women hitting men...and justifying it.
You can barely watch a new TV series today that doesn't include a woman slapping or kicking a man, for something he said.
In the sitcoms they use a laugh track when the woman hits. Then she justifies the hit for something he said. From boyhood on up, boys are programmed "if a woman hits you it's your fault"
It carries into adulthood and all these men that get hit by their wives, with hands or weapons, blame themselves. In their eyes, it's their fault.
July 1st, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Along with the laugh-track acompanying women assaulting men, I'm noting a number of TV "women as law enforcement" skillfully beating the crap out of some brute for some faux-drama.
October 7th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
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