Researcher: What Happens When Abused Men Call Domestic Violence Hotlines and Shelters?
July 13th, 2009 by Glenn Sacks, MA for Fathers & Families
I recently attended the excellent Los Angeles domestic violence conference "From Ideology to Inclusion 2009: New Directions in Domestic Violence Research and Intervention."
The conference featured many domestic violence dissidents--researchers and clinicians who do not believe that the mainstream domestic violence establishment and its "men as perpetrators/women as victims" conceptual framework is properly serving those involved in family violence.
Denise Hines, Ph.D. is a research assistant psychology professor at Clark University and a research associate at the Family Research Laboratory and Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire. At the conference, Dr. Hines detailed her findings on what happens when abused men call domestic violence hotlines or shelters seeking help. About a third of all domestic violence injuries are suffered by men.
Hines' study included 302 heterosexual men, ages 18 to 59, who had been in a relationship lasting at least one month within the previous year, had been physically assaulted by their female partners within the previous year, and had sought outside assistance/support. The median age of the abused men was 40, and the median age of their abusive female partners was 38. The relationships had lasted on average a little over eight years, and 73% of them had minor children. About two-thirds were married, separated, or divorced.
Of the abused men who called domestic violence hotlines, 64% were told that they "only helped women." In 32% of the cases, the abused men were referred to batterers' programs. Another 25% were given a phone number to call that turned out to be a batterers' program. A little over a quarter of them were given a reference to a local program that helped.
Overall, only 8% of the men who called hotlines classified them as "very helpful," whereas 69% found them to be "not at all helpful."
Sixteen percent said the people at the hot line "dismissed or made fun of them." One abused man said:
They laughed at me and told me I must have done something to deserve it if it happened at all.
Another said:
They asked how much I weighed and how much she weighed and then hung up on me...I was told by this agency that I was full of BS.
Twelve percent of the hotlines accused the man of being the batterer or responsible for the abuse. One abused man said:
They told me women don't commit domestic violence -- it must have been my fault.
Another said:
They accused me of trying to hide my "abuse" of her by claiming to be a victim, and they said that I was nothing more than a wimp.
Of the men who sought help by contacting local domestic violence programs, only 10% found them to be "very helpful," whereas 65% found them to be "not at all helpful." One abused man said:
They just laughed and hung up the phone.
Another said:
They didn't really listen to what I said. They assumed that all abusers are men and said that I must accept that I was the abuser. They ridiculed me for not leaving my wife, ignoring the issues about what I would need to do to protect my six children and care for them.
I'm not surprised by these men's experiences but my research on this issue gives a somewhat more positive picture of the domestic violence shelters. While preparing for a newspaper column I was doing in 2002 about men being denied services by domestic violence shelters, I decided to check for myself if men were really denied services.
I posed as a male victim of domestic violence and called every domestic violence shelter in all of Los Angeles and San Diego counties. Not a single one would accept me or offer assistance, with the exception of Valley Oasis. Most flatly refused any assistance at all, but a couple did offer me space in a homeless shelter. When I asked, "Am I supposed to take my children to a homeless shelter?", they replied, "That's all we can do."
To their credit, however, several of the shelter directors and workers did sympathize, telling me that we need shelters and services for men, and spending considerable time on the phone with me. While the domestic violence establishment is in general controlled by adherents to the feminist Duluth/'Man-as-Perp/Woman-as-Victim' model, it's not a monolith, and there are many unbigoted, well-meaning people within it who would like to see all domestic violence victims served.
To read all reports from the Conference, please click here.
From Ideology to Inclusion 2009 featured some of the world's leading experts on domestic violence, many of whom serve on the Editorial Board of the new peer-reviewed academic journal, Partner Abuse, published by Springer Publishing Company. The conference was presented by the California Alliance for Families & Children and co-sponsored by The Family Violence Treatment & Education Association. Some of you may remember that I also wrote extensively about the 2008 conference--to learn more, click here.
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July 13th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
This is about getting help.
The first time I sought help, I dialed 911. That was a very bad idea, because the police arrested me and I spent 3 days in LA County Jail. I was interviewed by a female student at one point, who told me that "calling a woman a b*tch is a felony," even though this had nothing to do with why I was there. I had not done that.
I was then sent to "Alternatives To Violence" for counseling every Thursday for a year, where they forced me to "admit" that I had battered her in order to graduate. They saw me as a perpetrator, even though I'd not done anything. I decided to lie and say that I had yelled at her, which is still technically abuse.
I decided to keep the abuse to myself (not involve authorities) and sought personal counseling to improve my self-esteem. I learned that I DID deserve more. But she went on a rampage again. The police came and were not amused that she accused two of them of threatening to cut off her head with a knife.
The officers were suspended without pay and one lost his promotion.
I had to get out.
Shelters wouldn't help me. I had to leave my young son behind and leave the state for a few months. It was rough.
I moved back and she was chasing me around, banging on my door, and trying to break the door in. By this time, the divorce had gone through and we had mutual restraining orders.
I dialed 911. The first time, the guy said, "Oh, just let her carry on outside. She'll get tired and leave."
I called again. This operator said, "Scared of a little girl? Well, YOU picked her!"
I called my case detective directly and they came over. She had banged on my door for over an hour. I made the mistake of saying I had called the detective, so she left. The detectives apologized for what happened, but I told them this was of no comfort.
She called Child Protective Services and said I had abused our son. I went through the shame of them investigating me. Of course, they found nothing, and my son told them I had never chased him underneath a chair with a wire coat hanger.
It was getting ridiculous.
I knew what was wrong with her. Before things went badly, she had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Her mother's father had molested her for years as a child. When she told her mother about it, her mom called her a "slut" and smacked her in the face. She had gone to a therapist, cleverly disguised as a weight loss group.
She was about to get on Prozac, until Oprah said on her show that Prozac causes suicide. Back to square one.
This set the stage for our problems.
She chased me for four years consistently, even though she had gotten a boyfriend. This helped me figure out why she was being so abusive. She WANTED me to hit her!
And when I refused, she'd get violent.
She was seeking out violence. It made no sense.
Her boyfriend was a hard-core alcoholic whose wife left him, while taking the 3 kids and not letting him see them. He was very abusive with her. He would come to my place and threaten to kill me. Now, when I reported HIM to the police for "terrorist threats," they listened and jumped on it right away.
They split up.
9 years went by and she finally decided to bury the hatchet. This was brought on by a terminal illness that I will not name. She's still alive, but not for much longer.
Today, she is alone and dealing with health issues.
Conversely, I have just celebrated 10 great years with my girlfriend. We're very happy and haven't even had a loud argument.
The system failed me miserably. Looking back, it could have been worse. I consider myself to be out of the woods, but am still active with father's rights. Men need more assistance, and gender shouldn't be an issue when we talk about violence.
The news shows older men (a football player and a boxer) who were both killed by their little 20-something girlfriends. Size and gender obviously aren't issues.
I would change lots of things for men, which I won't re-hash since Glenn talks about these topics all of the time.
But now that I can look back on it with perfect hindsight, I see that we were both victims.
I was the victim for the obvious reasons noted above.
She was a victim because the system ignored her.
It is good that perpetrators are forced into therapy. But the victims should be forced into therapy, too. She WANTED an abusive relationship, and was angry with me when I failed to deliver. After we split, she sought out a dangerous alcoholic to deliver on the abuse (that I could not) to which she had become accustomed as a child.
So when a PERSON (regardless of gender) is abused, I contend that they will actively seek out another abusive relationship after their current one fails. The abuser gets help, learns, and moves on. The relationship is destroyed.
If both of us were forced into counseling, maybe the relationship could have been saved for the benefit of our son. Maybe she would have stopped abusing me if therapy were the requirement. After all, therapy helped me learn how to no longer be a victim.
All of these problems and the solutions, should be part of a HUMAN issue and not a GENDER issue.
July 13th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
M. Barassed: Never be embarrassed you did nothing wrong and you are a human being to be ashamed of nothing! I am so sorry to know the hell you went through and thank you for sharing your horrible past. Glad to know you are a better man as a result of your ordeal.
I will not go into detail here now but I know what it is like when you go to the police for help as I did when I found out my step-daughter had laid out a plan to murder me. The police told me that I was a big boy and that I could take care of myself! Sure!
I called the police no less than 7 times and not once did they arrest those who were attempting to hit me, take my children and so on. Just today I called to check on the various incident numbers with the police and they have ALL mysteriously disappeared. Big mistake for the cops if those records are lost!
M. Barresed, I would love to have a chance to converse with you more in strict confidence about your situation if that would be ok with you. You can reach me at AttilaVinczer@CanadaCourtWatch.com . Also please look at this video of Walter Fox a prominent lawyer in Toronto who speaks about how men are doomed when they are accused of DV http://www.vimeo.com/936591 and there is an array of other amazing video testimonials that Canada Court Watch has assembled over the years that you can peruse here http://www.canadacourtwatch.com/Video/VideoFilesIndex.html .
All the best to you!
Attila
July 13th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
The comments these abused men got proves the "woman good, man bad" mantra.
July 14th, 2009 at 12:26 am
My mother played the "abused woman" card for years. First it was an excuse for why she had an "accident" and broke bones on my body when I was 12. Then it was an excuse for waking up the entire house to start screaming fights in the early am hours. When people reacted, that was more "abuse". When the cops came, the female police officer officer handed me a pamphlet with a picture of a mother and a baby on it in case I, you know, felt like I had to call someone, then explained that it's her house so I wasn't allowed to expect a bedroom with a door on it. Perhaps it might have stopped the "battered mother syndrome" after she chased a person who would otherwise have locked the door on her, but the "abusive father" dutifully removed it as she insisted. After some reading, I would put money on Borderline Personality Disorder- perhaps that's for a professional to decide, but my mother supposedly was one so I don't know if I would trust one.
July 14th, 2009 at 12:34 am
Mr. B., I'm glad things have turned around for you. And things ARE slowly getting better for male victims of DV, as the truth gets out. Too many people like you think they're all alone in this, but when people unify they'll be far less afraid to come forward. That they have such a conference about this topic, with so many great speakers, is a sign that things are improving, even if it's more slowly than we want.
July 14th, 2009 at 12:43 am
Again: has anyone here not yet signed this petition?
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/2/domestic-abuse-victims
July 14th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Enabling womens violence, foments violent children, which inevitably means more funding for womens violence shelters.
July 14th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Hulkamania:
As off-topic as it is, I agree with you about prostitution.
I think it's interesting that feminists cheer as the family out-sources all of the traditional mother roles: cooking (Boston Market), child-care (fluffy bunny day-care), but if the husband (or single man) tries to out-source his sexual gratification, it's a big taboo!
The taboo around prostitution needs to go away. It's incredibly hypocritical of these liberal feminists telling government "get out of the bedroom" when discussing gay sex, then jumping all over men (johns) about prostitution (and never jump on the call girls).
Despite what I said above, I believe that legalizing prostitution without solving the other anti-male oppression written into our laws will only be a stop-gap band-aid on the situation.
For one thing, there isn't always a warning sign that you're dealing with a psychotic. Look at Steve McNair. He obviously felt comfortable enough around his hottie to sleep in the same bed with her.
We don't have any reason to suspect that McNair ignored warnings of irrational behavior from his g/f. Guys may visit prostitutes, but they will continue to date. Male victims of DV need recognition.
Also, at some point the vast majority of men want to settle down at some point in there lives. So, I agree totally with you about prostitution leveling the "sex battle" playing field, but it won't solve a lot of larger problems.
I think an equally dramatic change to the dating scene would be wide-spread reliable and safe male birth control.
Imagine if both things happened! If both of these things happened the dating/courtship ritual would be intensely shifted to mens favor.
If these two things happened, the ranks of MRA's would balloon quickly with women who have lost the power of beating men over the head with their uterus/vagina and would want a cease fire in the battle of the sexes, so they could once again acquire men as companions. Whatever else anybody may say, women are terrified of being alone.
July 14th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
It's truly sad that anyone would call a shelter and have their victimization continued. A lot of shelters have volunteers answering hotlines- which doesn't justify their victim blaming, but is possibly the reason behind the idiocy of the responses. Victim blaming is pervasive in all realms of any form of violence. Although this study may be plausible; we can't have it account for all men that has expereinced violence by their partner. Seeing as it's such a minute amount of people that we can't assume that its credibility would stand in other areas through out the country. It's true that there isn't services available for men like there is women, but when you take into account that the majority of violence for decades has been perpetrated by men- who's to blame for this? We live in a society where men are socialized to believe that power & control is what defines them. It's all portrayed in media through video games, movies, music videos, etc. In retrospect of this article, there truly needs to be a predominately more effective system for male victims.
Hulkmania: "The day that prostitution is legaliced, then men will have almost as much sex power as women have"..
- This a very misogynistic statement to make and also implies that you think of women as only sexual objects and not humans; it's also very demeaning. If you had a daughter or a female in your life that you cared about you would understand. Not to mention this mind-set would contribute to promoting rape.
Women have sex power? This perception has been conditioned because the socialization of women as sexual objects, and that their sexuality is glorified in mainstream media. Which is why men (and women) think that sexuality is what defines women!
July 14th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
What would a DV shelter that catered to men look like? It might shield men from the initial contact that they have with police when they report DV. They could be used as a witness when the victim interacts with the police to make sure that men were treated "equally" and with all of the due process we are legally entitled to. A male DV shelter could also make sure that the charges were followed up on and not dropped simply because the person filing was a man.
A male DV shelter could also be a referral center to good attorneys, child psycologists, doctors and other professionals that have at least a minimal understanding of female on male dv and false dv.
July 14th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Dan I disagree with you regarding your statement to Hulkamania. He can formulate his own defense on whether his statements are misogynistic.
However, I don't think that a man stating a preference to seek the attention of prostitutes (over dating / courtship) is *necessarily* misogynistic, or seeing women as sex objects (whatever that means).
On the contrary, I think it could possibly be seen as a way to respect women. Why date a girl that's frigid (or doesn't like your particular favorite style/position of sex) when you could be with a prostitute that will do what you like?
Each man who is seeing a prostitute is potentially saving some woman of constant begging, needling, or coercion of a style/position of sex she doesn't particularly care for.
I will agree that seeing prostitutes is rather hedonistic. But (if a single man w/no kids) I don't see it as particularly immoral. I think it's rather empty and unfulfilling and hedonistic, but prostitution shouldn't be against the law just based on those merits.
If we outlawed everything that was hedonistic and empty, a lot of businesses would have to shut their door.
I think it's particularly telling that liberal pundits (and I don't know what political bent you are, this isn't necessarily a slam against you) tout homosexuality as a "life-style choice" or single-motherhood as a "life-style choice", but when it comes to prostitution you're **BAD** for wanting to do that. You're a *bad* guy for seeing a prostitute (and the prostitute is never bad). You have to slink around wearing a trench coat and do your thing in the shadows.
What I see in this attitude of liberals is that it's okay for everybody to do their own thing (even when single-mothers by choice put children at risk) **except** for straight men.
When straight men try to do their own thing for purely selfish reasons, then it's "bad". Also, I have never heard of any correlation between prostitution and rape. Prostitution has been legal in Germany a very long time, and women are very safe there. (Come to think of it since feminists claimed in the 70's & 80's that porn lead to rape, where is all the raping? There has been a veritable explosion of porn--particularly the availability of hard-core porn to young teen males via the internet. Where is all the rape? Rape has gone down.)
Lastly, mainstream media may idolize female beauty (I don't know what sex objects means), but the power of seduction of women has existed for milennia.
Such arts of seduction of women and monuments to female beauty are told in the stories of Cleopatra:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cleopatra_VII
And Helen of Troy:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen
The face that launched a 1000 ships.
The fact that women's sexuality is a valuable commodity that women can use for trade is exactly that: an unrefutable fact. To acknowledge this is neither sexist, nor misogynistic.
http://www.popcrunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/barack-obama-looking-at-womans-butt-500x427.jpg
Here I'll leave you with the Isly Brothers (slightly altered):
"It's your thing, do what you wanna do" (unless you're a male, esp. white)
"I can't tell you who to sock it to" (unless you're a male, esp. white)
July 14th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
# Dan Says:
July 14th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
It's truly sad that anyone would call a shelter and have their victimization continued. A lot of shelters have volunteers answering hotlines- which doesn't justify their victim blaming, but is possibly the reason behind the idiocy of the responses.
Very misleading, a good comment followed by a bunch of junk...
"Victim blaming is pervasive in all realms of any form of violence. Although this study may be plausible; we can't have it account for all men that has expereinced violence by their partner. Seeing as it's such a minute amount of people that we can't assume that its credibility would stand in other areas through out the country."
Please start educating yourself here,
http://www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm
It's true that there isn't services available for men like there is women, but when you take into account that the majority of violence for decades has been perpetrated by men- who's to blame for this? We live in a society where men are socialized to believe that power & control is what defines them. It's all portrayed in media through video games, movies, music videos, etc."
Your ideology fails to match facts. Women take equal part in initiating domestic violence, but when a male victim calls police he is arrested, which is where false ideology of perpetration starts. The majority of all forms of violence happens to men and any given man is 2-3 times more likely to be the victim of a violent crime than any given woman. Men are socialized to be powerLESS and to accept that they are the disposable sex, for dangerous work, for war, to give up their places in line for "women and children first" and to sacrifice their bodies for society.
Hulkmania: "The day that prostitution is legalized, then men will have almost as much sex power as women have".
- This a very misogynistic statement to make and also implies that you think of women as only sexual objects and not humans"
What a leap you have made with a strawman argument. Your anti-sexuality hysteria is showing. As if women have no control over their own portrayal in the media (hint, men are not paying for the fashion magazines) and don't have a choice in professional roles. Consenting adults will trade services for money, it's called a job. When women sell their bodies for sex work, it is the flip side of men selling theirs as the bodyguard role. Prohibition didn't work for alcohol and neither will it for sex work. Industry regulation and worker's rights is what works. Of course prostitution has nothing to do with battered men, your arguments demonstrate how false ideology runs discussions off the rail.
July 14th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
it's pat - " Please start educating yourself here,
http://www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm "
-This study is from one state. So how am I supposed to educate myself on the whole nation by a study from one state? ;)
" when a male victim calls police he is arrested "
"The majority of all forms of violence happens to men and any given man is 2-3 times more likely to be the victim of a violent crime than any given woman."
-These are hypothetical statements!
"Men are socialized to be powerLESS and to accept that they are the disposable sex"
- This is an opinion; which we ALL have different ones and mine would be the completely the opposite. That's why we live in a free country.
July 14th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
-This study is from one state. So how am I supposed to educate myself on the whole nation by a study from one state? ;)
Can you read? Hello?
"249 scholarly investigations: 194 empirical studies and 55 reviews and/or analyses"
#2 on the list: germany. #3 on the list: USA national data... #498 on the list: USA national data...
" when a male victim calls police he is arrested "
"The majority of all forms of violence happens to men and any given man is 2-3 times more likely to be the victim of a violent crime than any given woman."
-These are hypothetical statements
US Department of Justice, buddy. Look it up, because it's nobody else's duty to hold your little hand and take you to the data. Fact: men experience violent crime at a rate 2-3 times higher than women. You are wrong. Own it.
July 14th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Here's some pretty graphs if you can't read
http://www.ojp.gov/bjs/glance/vsx2.htm
http://www.ojp.gov/bjs/homicide/gender.htm
Men experience significantly more violence than women. 3 times higher for homicide right now, 2 times higher for all crimes in the past, rates have fallen varying by time, place and type of crime but are still significantly higher for men.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:54 am
[ X ] Been there.
[ X ] Done that.
[ X ] Got the T-shirt.
[ X ] Not at all surprised.
(We need a PhD to tell us this?)
Gunner Retired
July 15th, 2009 at 8:57 am
it's pat: "Men experience significantly more violence than women"
- Ha! Well ofcourse they do when you take into account Male on Male violence!
Anyway, two different sides of the the scope. Me debating with you isn't going to change it, or visa versa.
July 15th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Dan: "but when you take into account that the majority of violence for decades has been perpetrated by men"
Who cares?
Sorry if this question sounds abrasive and heartless, but I'm honestly sick and tired of hearing this counterpoint trotted out. It's been done so many times, the words have no meaning anymore.
Not that I condone male on female violence or male violence period, but can we please get beyond the whole "Women have it worse, men are the perprators" mentality?
Dan: "Seeing as it's such a minute amount of people"
Again, who cares?
What is it really about, Dan? Not ideology or who has it worse. It's about helping people out when they're in need. Men who experience domestic violence or sexual abuse, no matter the statistics, deserve equal help and support. Not victim blaming, derision, or disbelif. Nor do they need to hear, day in and day out, deflections like yours.
Dan: "We live in a society where men are socialized to believe that power & control is what defines them. It's all portrayed in media through video games, movies, music videos, etc."
So I take it, if I read stuff from authors like Frank Miller, who many believe his works to be mysoganic, I'm going to turn into a violent male based on your opinion.
Too bad. I'm not evidence of your theory. And frankly, it's insulting for you to assume such.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Dan, in heterosexual relationships in which there is non-reciprocal violence, the woman is the violent party a little more than 70% of the time.
July 15th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
If you are a male victim of domestic violence, never, E V E R, do anything without your lawyer. NEVER confront the police without a lawyer. The police will be reluctant to screw you around with a lawyer present. Most cops are scared to death of lawyers. If your lawyer can't go to the police station with you, have a reliable friend go, or a family member. Cops are far less likely to pull crap in front of witnesses.
If all else fails, threaten to call the attorney general. (This works well with state police, who are controlled by the attorney general.)
Most people get screwed over because they have no balls or they don't know the law.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I had a long term girl friend who suddenly went were-wolf on me and in a public venue let loose with her kick boxing and nearly took my head off, and left me with a couple of cracked ribs. This was in public mind you, and she had just taken it into her head to get me for what someone else had once done to her.
I did the only thing possible, I ended the relationship on the spot and refused to take her calls, let alone see her again.
I found out from one of her relatives that she had some very ugly past issues. I am infuriated that they did not tell me that before I had wasted a lot of time and money on her.
I moved out of the community to another state, and a year later got a letter from her bragging about how she got married to someone far better than I could ever be.
About a year after that , a friend there wrote me that she was kicking the shit out of her new husband, and he was stuck between a rock and a hard place, stay and be abused, defend himself and go to jail, or get a divorce and get cleaned out and leave a baby in a bad environment.
I am very glad I did not try to stick it out with a sick abusive woman. The mistake I made was not filing charges against her so that her others would know what she really was like.
If your "girlfriend" attacks you, bail out of the relationship immeidately, if she did you real harm forget being manly, and go to the ER get the injuries documented and file charges against her before she can do something bad to you.
If you are married it is even more imperative you get the documentation of being abused, go to the ER, get a lawyer, a WOMAN lawyer if at all possible, and bail out of the marriage fast. do not try counseling, do not try to stick it out, she is a violent abuser you need to get away from.
If the judge is on the ball you will get the kids, if he is not, just back away, sooner or later she will turn her rage on them , and then you can get them.
August 3rd, 2009 at 1:17 am
[...] an interesting article a couple of weeks ago by Glenn Sacks on the topic of whether the "mainstream domestic violence [...]