Tyra Banks Does Show on Male Victims of Domestic Violence
October 19th, 2009 by Glenn Sacks, MA for Fathers & Families
Today daytime talk show host Tyra Banks is doing a special on male victims of domestic violence. Fathers & Families worked with the producers on the show over the summer. I haven't seen the show and don't know how much of what we provided made it into the final product. The show airs today, and a preview of it can be found here.
As an aside, readers may notice that I rarely refer to women "beating" men, but instead refer to women "abusing" men. The reason is this--men are stronger than women and have a greater ability to take a hit. Descriptions of women "beating" men reminds one of a man and a woman in a kitchen-turned-boxing ring, and in that environment men have an advantage over women, no questio0n.
But research shows that women compensate by greater use of weapons and the element of surprise. Boiling water being thrown on an unsuspecting man, a wine bottle being smashed over his head by a woman hiding behind the bedroom door, attacks while asleep, etc. are devastating no matter the gender of the victim, and "beating" doesn't seem to cover it so well.
To learn more about male victims of domestic violence, see the newspaper column Dr. Holstein and I co-authored about the murder of late NFL player Steve McNair--The violence we ignore (Washington Times, Baltimore Sun 7/16/09).
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October 19th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
"The reason is this--men are stronger than women and have a greater ability to take a hit."
I agree with the reasoning for advoacy/publicity purposes only, but in reality the reasoning doesn't account for physically disabled men, men with mental disabilities, and the fact that men aren't allowed to hit back, or that women today are increasingly involved in professional sports and in many cases the woman is a near equal or even stronger than her partner.
October 19th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Tyra Banks Does Show on Male Victims of Domestic Violence
This topic is "verboten!"
October 19th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
"a man and a woman in a kitchen-turned-boxing ring, and in that environment men have an advantage over women, no questio0n."
Except the particular rules of this boxing match usually state the male may not touch the female and is not allowed to defend himself in any way whatsoever, thus the advantage is 100% with the female, no question.
October 19th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
...and the fact that men aren't allowed to hit back,
That is certainly something that is often omitted from discussion about DV. Back when we were young boys the majority of us men were taught to not hit women (NO MATTER THE REASON, not even self defense) under the premise that men/boys are strong and women/girls are weak. And I think the reason it is omitted is because such teaching is usually only examined under the light of it being unfair to assume that women/girls are weak. (You usually see this from feminists that are trying to twist female against male violence being presented as funny into being only harmful to women or claim that women are the real victims of such a notion.) That's a good light to examine it under but its not the only light. We have been socialized to not hit women for the wrong reason (the real reason being it is wrong to hurt people regardless of gender, religion, race, etc... well minus self defence of course) and this is harmful to men and women. It leaves men too scared to fight back even when they should and it gives women license to attack men without fear of retaliation.
Usually when a new episode of Tyra Banks airs it will rerun on various channels (WE, Oxygen, local stations, etc...) for about a week so I should be able to track it down and see it.
Maybe she realizes her error from about 2 years ago when she did a show on intimate partner violence. She covered F vs. F, M vs M, and M vs F* scenarios (with actors/actresses acting out the situation in public to guage reactions.) and specifically left out a F vs. M violence scenario. While I think its good that is talking about it and I still haven't seen the episode I do wonder if she is really concerned or is trying to present female against male violence like its a brand new phenomenon that just appeared in the last 5-6 years.
* - In the M vs. F scenario Tyra and her crew had to stop the actual local police from arresting the male actor. Turns out the police got multiple calls on the situation and some even called in to say he had a weapon (none of the people in any of the scenarios had weapons). This goes to show that while not many people know about or care about F vs. M violence some people are willing to lie to make M vs. F violence more serious than it really it.
October 19th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
We are men..we can handle a certain degree of unrestrained violence..but it is the Children who are now learning un-restrained violence from their mothers. Thats why 85% of societal violence comes from the matriarchal underclass.
A great American senator Patrick Moyniham warned us years ago.
"From the wild Irish slums of the 19th century eastern seaboard, to the riot-torn suburbs of Los Angeles, there is one unmistakable lesson in American history: A community that allows a large number of young men to grow up in broken families, dominated by women, never acquiring any stable relationship to male authority, never acquiring any rational expectations about the future -- that community asks for and gets chaos."
October 19th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
ABC once ran a special "What would you do" which had an example of F on M violence happening in the public space. Instead of mortification or calling the police, most people ignored the situation and a few even cheered on the woman.
I would I could find the link easily, as it had comments by a retired police officer which would make your skin crawl. He witnessed the situation and his reaction was (paraphrased) "it's okay if she hits him, but of he hit her there would have been an arrest."
October 19th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
"* - In the M vs. F scenario Tyra and her crew had to stop the actual local police from arresting the male actor. Turns out the police got multiple calls on the situation and some even called in to say he had a weapon (none of the people in any of the scenarios had weapons). This goes to show that while not many people know about or care about F vs. M violence some people are willing to lie to make M vs. F violence more serious than it really it."
Do tell... can we here the entire story about where/how the crew was filming and details comparing the scenarios??
As an aside, readers may notice that I rarely refer to women "beating" men, but instead refer to women "abusing" men. The reason is this--men are stronger than women and have a greater ability to take a hit. Descriptions of women "beating" men reminds one of a man and a woman in a kitchen-turned-boxing ring, and in that environment men have an advantage over women, no question.
1-on-1, you will get the entire range of individuals hidden within "averages". Tall girl/short guy, professional boxer woman/disabled man, etc...
October 19th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
it's pat I watched that episode like four times but to be fair I would only be coming from memory so when I get home I'll try to dig it up on the Trya Banks show site (they have an archive with clips and descriptions of past episodes).
October 19th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
[...] Tyra Banks Does Show on Male Victims of Domestic Violence [...]
October 19th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
I did not see the show but i applaude Tyra Banks for doing the show. Women who abuse their men are often looked the other way. As so in my case mostly. i actually had to go to the police station to make a complaint and they really didn't want to arrest my ex until i kept insisting, and less then 30 minutes after she was arrested she was allowed to come back home. She walked home from the police station which is a mile and a half away so i know she might have been at the police station for about 5 minutes. then she came banging down the door again and became abusive again and when i called the cops again i was told if i call the cops again about ANYTHING i would be arrested. then two month later when we went to court i had a woman from the "famili abuse center" tell me right outside of court that if she "abused" me again there is no place for me to go to seek safety for me and my boys. when i asked her why she said because men are ALWAYS the abuser and are NEVER the victim and she said she felt that i was lying about my spouses abuse. I should have smelled the feminist pork a mile away. she got a slap on the wrist while i was watching men in the same court room get harsher sentencing for first time offenses for doing a lot less then what she was being accused of. gotta love society and the woman ALWAYS victim, man ALWAYS bad!!!
October 19th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Well it's pat it looks like the archive on the official site only goes back to Dec. 2008 but the episode I'm talking about is from Sept. 2007. Gonna have to go off the beaten path to find a synopsis of it.
October 19th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
In my county, a woman attacked her husband and was trying to "scratch his eyes out" (her words). He resisted her attack by grabbing her wrists and when the police showed up HE was arrested for: 1) felony assault, and 2) felony false imprisonment. Not even a word of disapproval for the woman.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'll try and watch this episode of The Tyra Banks Show.
October 19th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Actually, my opinion is that not calling it what it is - beating (on someone), makes it sound likes it's something less.
Size doesn't matter when you're describing the act. A beating is a beating, regardless of who is bigger or who can allegedly "take a hit." It's this type of minimizing what women do that is so frustrating. Don't become a part of it.
October 19th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
probably just looking for eternal victim status for men
October 19th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Wish I could watch it as my busy schedual makes it impossible to catch on daytime television.
Unfortunatly, Tyra Bank's website forces you to complete a servey in order to "Unlock The Page". Even if you did, there's no guarantee it would unlock it and you'd have to fill out ANOTHER one. So freakin' frustrating to find websites with this feature. Anyone else agree with me?
Even the Youtuve video only has nine plus minutes of a preview on a continuous loop and links to the Tyra Bank's website, the very location where you have to fill out a survey in order to watch the video.
ARRRGH!
October 19th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
The last time I checked and correct me if I'm wrong but the average adult female in the U.S. weighs 160 and the average adult male weighs 185.
That's a whole 25 pound weight difference on average.
What I'm saying is these is not that great of a difference in size as people think.
Most adult women unless they are really tiny or have huge partners are able to hurt their boyfriend or husband....without weapons
October 19th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
I think after we slowly convince mainstream that blaming on men for abuse was wrong, we need to share to the world HOW HARD IT WAS to get this simple, plain, non-sexist message across.
October 19th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
men are nothing but a bunch of rapists!
October 20th, 2009 at 4:23 am
I'm encouraged that Tyra did the show. By the looks of the preview she seemed to present the issue fairly.
But something bothers me about this... It's very subtle, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the reason why this topic was covered on Tyra's show was quite possibly to sexually shame men, and/or to feed the sense of female narcissism that constantly proceeds from Tyra's show (specifically, from Tyra herself). This woman's career was built on the implied taunt, "Don't you wish you could get with me?" Something tells me that she's doing it again, except in this case flaunting the prevalence of male victimization from DV as some sort of sign of pervasive wimpyness among male viewers. It's as if she's telling the victims, "I acknowledge your pain, I see your dilemma as a DV victim, and... don't you wish you could get with me?"
I can't shake the suspicion that this show is really on the air primarily as a means of provoking men into embracing their alpha side. If the host had a track record and reputation as being genuinely thoughtful and empathetic, I might feel differently. But it's Tyra. That's why it bothers me. It's Tyra.
October 20th, 2009 at 5:06 am
We here know the truth, that is as mentioned, women use surprise, weapons, etc. But there is not a shred of doubt in my mind that if and when this is pointed out on the show, All the simpletons (e.g., the audience) will respond, "Yes, but men can do those things too."
The mentality of simpletons is one of the biggest road blocks facing the men's movement.
Regarding 'beating' of women, it is true men may have an advantage of some sort in certain scenarios, but men also have an innate and socially-re-enforced taboo on punching women. My guess is that this represents only a very small minority of DV - where the man actually beats the woman with his fist. (Such as depicted in "Sleeping With the Enemy".)
October 20th, 2009 at 5:09 am
"That's why it bothers me. It's Tyra"
Hey don't complain, it could be Dr. Phil.
October 20th, 2009 at 8:26 am
I've been starting to wonder. These days with as easy as it is to obtain a weapon why do people hold on to the fact that men for the most part are bigger and stronger than women as if women just don't know how to even the odds or compensate for the lack of size and strength. Ever watch that show Snapped? A lot of those women used weapons and the element of suprise. Ever notice there are way more women that hire hitMEN to kill their husbands than the other way around?
The days of "But she's a girl! There's no way she could do that." are long gone. Well at least it is to those of us that realize that in an equal world women are just as capable of committing violence as men.
October 20th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Armageddon Says:
October 19th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
This goes to show that while not many people know about or care about F vs. M violence some people are willing to lie to make M vs. F violence more serious than it really it.
ABC once ran a special "What would you do" which had an example of F on M violence happening in the public space. Instead of mortification or calling the police, most people ignored the situation and a few even cheered on the woman.:"
I saw that. It was great. I'd say that is caused by people like our DV specialist in the debate huh? The people often ran right in and helped the woman but it was all funny when it was the man.
October 20th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
I taped and watched the show yesterday. First off around me they show 2 Tyra shows back to back so watched some of the first one too, (sex lives of city vs suburban people).
Over all I give it a B+, and think she was fair, for her type of show and audience. More could have been done, (always true, but think especially in this one) I'll give credit where credit is due, she did talk about this issue, and got the message out that it does exist. And she didn't let the women get off with easy excuses. (Quotes may not be exact, but based on my memory. ) "but I love him"
Tyra- "We wouldn't accept that excuse if a man said it and we won't accept it from you".
"Did he ever hit you? "
" When I hit him he grabbed my wrists and held them"
Tyra- " No that is him doing self defense, he didn't hit you.
She did present it as if it were a new or quickly growing phenomina, a stat she tossed out, 1 in 10 DV reports were men being beaten, ?? years ago, now it is 1 in 4. She also later made the comment about men being less likely to report it.
Basically had 2 couples, one current one long broken up. Both women had admitted patterns of being abusive, in several relationships. Didn't mention if either had been charged/arrested or were in counciling, before the show. Councilling afterwards, would be given. Did mention that none of the men fought back, didn't talk about socialization of men to never hit women. Did toss in a statement of abusers being able to find/sense people who won't fight back.
I'd have to say both women were the same size or larger than the guys.
All in all I'd say fair but left wanting much more. Audience was quiet and respectfull, very diff from the earlier showing of cheering/shouting on sex lives show.
Things would have likes to see, mention of spousal murders, arrest rates/procedures, lack of shelters or help available to men, mention of women usually using weapons/ supprise, (one admitted using a frying pan) .
Was clinical and relatively non emotional, didn't have the audience rialed up or have emotional impact. Think the only way to get that would be to associate it with abuse of kids. You want to marry him, and have kids. would have been the perfect opening for : you are an abuser, you shouldn't be allowed near kids.
October 20th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Robert
Check out this encouraging video featuring Australian psychologist Dr. Elizabeth Celi.
She speaks publically about the need to study men's issues and to properly deal with husband battering, among other things.
Think it is all hopeless, guys? It isn't. It is merely beginning to get underway. Hang in there and keep talking (about the right stuff with no B.S.).
http://jsoltys.wordpress.com/2009/06/30/female-psychologist-advocates-for-mens-issues/
Hope the link comes through.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:17 am
Women know that if they mentally abuse a guy enough he will snap, and she then wears her bruises like a medal of honour at the court sessions to have him restrained, and prevent the awful brute from seeing his children.
I was attacked by my now ex-wife while I was in bed with my eyes closed, I defended myself and found myself under arrest by police. I was seen as the nasty man, whist no one gave a passing thought to the attack on me. My wife didn't bring charges, we were married for another five years after that, but she tried several times to intimidate me into a similar situation, and even my son had to stand between her and me to protect me.
After all that, and her affairs, SHE divorced ME and walked away with the house and car, she made seeing my children difficult and appeared the victim, so now I don't get to see my children, and my ex has got inside their heads.
The frustration I feel at having no one understand how I feel has eaten away at me for years, and even now I don't know where to turn for help, all the help groups are based around mother and child, nothing for fathers who have been sidelined.
October 21st, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Aren't there fathers' rights groups in the UK? Aren't they famous for climbing up buildings?
October 21st, 2009 at 12:44 pm
There are many men out there that are smaller and less physically strong than their woman. Furthermore, "beaten" is very appropriate for what you call
because wine and other such bottles do not break like you see in television who use candy bottles, real bottles are thick and hard and the skull is more likely to break than the bottle being used to hit it. This I call a beating.
b
October 21st, 2009 at 6:25 pm
"Aren't there fathers' rights groups in the UK? Aren't they famous for climbing up buildings?"
Fathers for Justice raise awareness through stunts, but there are no state funded support groups like there are for mothers and children.
Even lawyers don't take a fathers broken heart seriously, men are supposed to pull themselves together, but women are offered tissues and comforted. When I broke down in tears at a party, the lady I was with told me not to embarrass her like that again, so much for sympathy and understanding.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:06 am
I just watched the episode having accidentally stumbled upon a repeat just as I was going to bed at midnight last night and setting it to record.
Many kudos to Tyra Banks. Sometimes, I think she is really screwy, which is the television talk-show and reality tv genre that we're left to deal with nowadays, but she was frank, direct, and didn't let any of the abusers off the hook!
What a breath of fresh air in exposing the realities of abusive women! Some of the hidden video was downright scary!
Still, while only a surface scratch in the grand scheme of things - this was a welcome change on a show hosted by a women and has an apparently large viewership.