"We got a call from a father who was recently divorced...he had gotten served with a restraining order to keep him away from his ex and their sons.  His ex-wife alleged that during the marriage, he bit her and she and the children were afraid of him...I was initially against representing him. My attitude was that clearly, he must have done something wrong to deserve the reaction he was getting from his ex. Being a black woman, and being new to the practice of family law, I immediately identified with her.

"It was during this case, that I began to make a paradigm shift. Thanks to the ex-wife and her attorney, it was an easy transformation. At the first court appearance , I experienced first-hand just how vicious and manipulative an angry custodial parent can be..."--Alicia Crowe, author of Real Dads Stand Up!"

Alicia Crowe is the author of Real Dads Stand Up!. Below is part I of an interview I'm conducting with her. Her transformation--from someone who figured divorced or separated fathers had always caused their own problems into an advocate for dads--is a great story.

GS: What led you to take up the cause for fathers?

AC: In 1994, I was learning the practice of law through my mentor the late Conrad Lynn, a noted civil rights attorney who had been practicing about 61 years. He was in his eighties. We got a call from a father who was recently divorced and  lived in Georgia, while his ex-wife lived in New York with their two sons. Apparently, he had gotten served with a restraining order to keep him away from his ex and their sons. His ex-wife alleged that during the marriage, he bit her and she and the children were afraid of him and they were especially afraid of his new fiancée, whom incidentally she referred to as "pumpkin head."

 I was initially against representing him. My attitude was that clearly, he must have done something wrong to deserve the reaction he was getting from his ex. Being a black woman, and being new to the practice of family law, I immediately identified with her.

 It was during this case, that I began to make a paradigm shift. Thanks to the ex-wife and her attorney, it was an easy transformation. At the first court appearance , I experienced first- hand just how vicious and manipulative an angry custodial parent can be when he/she wants to keep the children away from the other parent.  While, in court, the ex-wife and her lawyer mistook me for "pumpkinhead" and asked the judge to remove me from the courtroom on the grounds that I was the woman who broke up the marriage and would be called as a possible witness in the case, and that I was otherwise "inflammatory" and should be removed from the courtroom.  I was astounded.

"As the case progressed, it was clear that she was motivated by hostility and revenge. That day I learned how quickly and easily a father can be stripped of his fatherhood. But more importantly, Attorney Lynn made a compelling argument to the judge about how this father was so courageous to step up to the plate and take his responsibility when so many fathers just leave and forget about their children when conflict arises. He also  challenged me to stand up for these dads. Standing up for real dads helps children."

 GS: As you've stated, the child support system can be adifficult hurdle for single fathers. What do single fathers need to know about the child support system?

AC: Fathers involved in any family court proceeding must know how the system works in order to navigate it. Just like in sports, dads must know the rules of the game before they step out on the court. Too often fathers go into court and think that all they have to do is tell the judge their side of the story and "shazam"-the judge will rule in their favor. That is not so, fathers must have access to information beforehand--when it counts. For example, fathers must know who's who in the court and what he/she can and cannot do. I also show dads how to get organized and prepared for court. I have a chapter on lawyers and how to find and use them. I break down the trial process and explain what to consider when reaching a settlement.

GS: Many single fathers are whipsawed between trying to get along with their exes and standing up for their right to have a role in their children's lives. You say your book helps men avoid 'Baby Mama Drama'--how?

AC: Real Dads Stand Up is  essential for single dads. I talk about avoiding Baby Mama Drama' . That  refers to the games and ploys that some women use against men who father  children out of wedlock. I talk to dads about choices and approaches to dealing with conflict and litigation.

Real Dads Stand Up! show dads how not to react to a situation, how to make choices. For example, many single fathers who are paying child support, but have difficulty seeing their children, get caught in "pay per view" and do not know how to file for access/visitation rights. Real Dads Stand Up explains step by step how to initiate the proceedings to gain access and what to do when the other parent won't cooperate. Most importantly, how to avoid and minimize conflict. At the end of the book, I include resources for dads and encourage every father who reads Real Dads Stand Up to become emissaries and spread the message of responsible fatherhood to other dads.

This entry was posted on Saturday, June 30th, 2007 at 11:07 am and is filed under Family Law, Child Support/Child Support Enforcement, Fathers' Rights/Noncustodial parents' rights, Children's Rights, Divorce/Separation/Child Custody. You can trackback from your own site.