Carrie Underwood's 'Before He Cheats'--When a Woman Commits Domestic Violence, It's Just Good Revenge
July 10th, 2007 by Glenn Sacks, MA for Fathers & Families
"I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats...I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all 4 tires..."--from Carrie Underwood's hit single "Before He Cheats."
One of the ways the double standard about domestic violence manifests itself in our popular culture is the female revenge motif. Women who are wronged (which, to some, means all women) exact revenge in a way which, were the genders reversed, would be widely condemned.
One example is country singer Carrie Underwood's hit single "Before He Cheats", in which Underwood (pictured holding her Louisville slugger) brags about destroying her cheating boyfriend's car. Destroying an intimate partner's personal property is often considered to be domestic violence (at least when a man does it), though it certainly is a much smaller matter than a physical assault on the victim.
According to Wikipedia, the video debuted at #1 on GACTV, was #1 on CMT's Top Twenty Countdown five weeks in a row, and was named best video of 2006 by CMT. In April of this year, the video "swept the CMT Music Awards, winning three categories: Video of the Year, Female Video of the Year, and Director of the Year. Underwood made history by being the first female to win Video of the Year."
There has been no discernable protest or criticism of the song or the video. I find it hard to believe that a country song and a video approving of a violent, jealous man destroying his girlfriend's car would get on the air for five minutes.
To watch the video, click here. The full lyrics to the song are reprinted below.
Before He Cheats
Right now he's probably slow dancing with a bleach blonde tramp, and she's probably getting frisky... right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can't
shoot whiskey...
Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool-stick, showing her how to shoot a combo...
And he don't know...
That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats...I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
Right now, she's probably up singing some white-trash version of Shania karaoke..
Right now, she's probably saying "I'm drunk" and he's a thinking that he's gonna get lucky,
Right now, he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom polo
And he don't know...
That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats, I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl, Cause the next time that he cheats...
Oh, you know it won't be on me!
Ohh... not on me...
Cause I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats...I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
Note: If you or someone you love is being abused, the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women provides crisis intervention and support services to victims of domestic violence and their families.]
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July 10th, 2007 at 3:50 am
The music or the woman portrayed in this video/lyric--------------which one shows the cultural,education,rational and philosophical degradation of our culture? I don't think I can decide because I believe they are concomitant.
July 10th, 2007 at 4:23 am
If you talk to a first world born and raised woman about this, she'll point out the Garth Brooks song of 'daddy' killing mom cause she was cheating. The BIG difference is that in the Brooks song it is clear and obvious that he is jailed and wrong for using violence to solve the problem of her bad behavior. There is also a clear underlying message that he is wrong for being a trucker and away all the time.
Those underlying fault & guilt messages do not show up in any of the pro-violence-against-men songs. The Underwood song is pure 'hurt him 'cause I want to' and carries no blame or guilt. The same for the Dixie Chicks song of a few years ago. This difference is a message that many, probably most, in our society cannot understand and that is so very wrong.
July 10th, 2007 at 6:47 am
Thank you Glenn for once again pointing out the obvious double standards and blatant hypocrisy of our pop culture when it comes to gender-based issues. When little girls and young women are constantly bombarded with messages like this from popular songs, movies, and TV shows, it's no wonder that they grow up thinking that they can get away with anything, including violence and murder, just because they are female. With a society that is full of screwed up messages like this, it's no wonder that we are currently seeing the fruits of such efforts: Amy Winehouse, Lisa Nowak, Terry Martin, Clara Harris, etc., etc...
As the father of a 15 year old daughter I have tried to teach her that we should all be responsible for our own actions and that we shouldn't try to blame someone or something else for our own bad behaviour. I can only hope that she will remember these lessons as she becomes an adult because they certainly aren't being reinforced by our current culture.
July 10th, 2007 at 9:04 am
It would be great if a male country singer came out with a song in response to this one, showing how maybe her relationship would've lasted if she wasn't such a psycho.
If you look at the song even, the guy never even actually cheats. He dances with someone and then plays pool -- all unconfirmed of course.
July 10th, 2007 at 9:58 am
Seems as though woman are more and more "openly" violent.
Here's another case:
http://www.drudgereport.com/flash2.htm
CBS EVENING NEWS anchor Katie Couric is being accused of slapping an editor -- after he injected a word she detested into a script!
July 10th, 2007 at 10:26 am
I have to say that I actually agree with you about the Carrie Underwood song and I think it's horrible that she's gone from "Jesus take the Wheel" to this kind of violent garbage. I also think it's really disgusting that more and more women are becoming openly violent, at least in their song lyrics, performances, etc..
But, this prompted me to do a search on violent lyrics by men. In just a few minutes these turned up:
Country Music:
"Consider country legend Porter Wagoner, whose song "Cold Hard Facts of Life," tells of a man who kills his wife for cheating on him. Or better still, "The First Mrs. Jones," in which Wagoner's protagonist, speaking to his new wife--who has just left him--tells her how he stalked and murdered his former betrothed, after which killing he buried her body parts in the woods. In other words, unless the "second Mrs. Jones" comes back to him, she's going to join the first one, pushing up daisies in the forest."
Hip-Hop/Rap: (There's lots of violence against men and women in this genre):
"Rapper Joe Budden's remix version of the song "Confessions" by Usher includes the lines, "Pray that she abort that, If she's talkin' 'bout keepin' it/One hit to the stomach, She's leakin' it."
Notorious Big:
"I shot dread in the head, took the bread and the landspread/ Lil' Gotti got the shotty to your body/ So don't resist, or you might miss Christmas."
More hip-hop, but I thought this one was especially interesting because Eminem is talking about PAS,so apparently his anger is justified by at least some folks affiliated with the fathers' rights agenda. Glenn, do you recall which group had these lyrics posted a while back? I'm having a middle-aged moment and can't remember.. was this Jaks' group that had Eminem as their poster boy?:
Eminem:
"When I was just a little baby boy,
my momma used to tell me these crazy things
She used to tell me my daddy was an evil man,
she used to tell me he hated me
But then I got a little bit older
and I realized, she was the crazy one...
Bitch I'm-a kill you! You don't wanna fuck with me!
Girls neither, you ain't nuttin' but a slut to me!
Bitch I'm-a kill you! You ain't got the balls to beef
We ain't gon' never stop beefin' I don't squash the beef
You better kill me! I'm-a be another rapper dead
for poppin off at the mouth with shit I shouldn't-a said
But when they kill me I'm bringin the world with me
Bitches too! You ain't nuttin' but a girl to me"
July 10th, 2007 at 10:28 am
I have not liked that song from day one, for the obvious reasons stated by Glenn. Others I talked to about it just don't get it, male and female alike. Our local DJ made a comment one day right after that song to his female counterpart, he said something like "imgaine if a man had done that song what people would be saying", she agreed with him. They don't seem to play it anymore on their show. No loss as far as I am concerned.
July 10th, 2007 at 10:32 am
CRoss, no one said any of those songs were OK. In fact, they are not. As for the hip/hop rap, I don't listen to any of it that uses violence or certain words. Where do the young blacks of today get the idea that using the n-word towards each other was OK? And I am physically short, but call me 'shorty' and you will get an ear full. That is insulting. I have a proper name, use it. 'Shorty' is not appropriate for a nickname. I am getting off track, glad to see the NAACP (as much as I normally do not agree with them) are trying to get our entertainers to stop using the n-word in their lyrics. It's a start, I hope they get on the other bandwagons.
July 10th, 2007 at 10:44 am
CRoss, there is frequent outcry against the violent, abusive, and materialistic language in rap music. There are explicit lyrics warnings, bans, and decent black entertainers trying to turn it around. It's a problem that has been publicly acknowledged and is being fought.
The point of the complaint in this article is that the case described here, the "girlfriend destroys all her boy's stuff in a fit of rage" is treated like a good idea and the normal way-to-go in the media. Violent women are just "empowered".
Personally, I put this in a different category from "Earl had to die" - while I think murdering an abuser should be considered only the last-resort of self-defense, it at least isn't the kind of brazen attitude of using violence based on perceived emotional wrongs.
July 10th, 2007 at 11:31 am
CRoss,
While your mentioning songs about men killing women, lets not forget Martina McBride's "Independence Day"
Rather than following a legal avenue, and prosecuting an alleged abuser, she boasts bypassing the justice system and murdering her "abuser".
And to go back 40 or 50 years to get your examples of non-hip-hop songs (which are notorious for their inner city crime mentality) demonstrates that such songs haven't been acceptible in the mainstream for decades.
July 10th, 2007 at 11:54 am
CRoss,
So is it your point that that due to the existence of rappers and their whacked out lyrics, all female "artists" should declare open season on men?
What should be of greatest concern to women is that women like this "artist" are making your entire gender increasingly unattractive to normal men. Your gender has such cultural "advocates" encouraging masses of women to behave as if they were the worst examples of the male gender. How does this help women, dare I ask?
From long experience in the business world I have noticed that the most successful female executives and non-executive professionals are the ones who retain their femininity. I believe this is because people (men and women) are suspicious of women who "morph" themselves to look or act like men -- self-morphing implies a character defect and undermines trust. Plain and simple.
Coaching American ladies to take on unladylike behaviors, or worse yet, the behaviors of murderous rappers, will not, in my considered view, advance the interests of your gender. Nice women don't like it. Nice men don't like it. It's ugly. People don't like ugly.
Maybe the feminists of this country should stop their multi-level campaign to make women so ugly in so many ways -- because most women don't want to be made ugly -- , and focus instead on women's strengths? Swinging baseball bats at the headlights of a "cheating" boyfriend does not dignify the bat-wielder. It cheapens her.
"Artists" like this one cheapen women while financially enrichening themselves.
One final and different point about rap, Ms. CRoss:
The cultural/artistic fringe of this country has a long history of providing clues to sources of unrest among our people and peoples.
There just might be a few such clues and related insights contained within rap lyrics. Maybe, just maybe the long-downtrodden black males in this coutry are once again speaking up against their enslavement and suppression by the system?
The notion that women (and men) don't like "cheatin" boyfriends (and girlfriends) is hardly new, and lyrics about the pain of such losses (though not so ugly) are as old as is music in this country. Now news in her songs.
However, the messages contained within some of the rap lyrics you cite ARE VERY NEW in American cultural history.
Do you understand the difference?
Maybe, just maybe, somebody ought to listen to the new messages contained within their lyrics?
Maybe they are trying to say something?
July 10th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
If you want a good example of how DV is treated differently between the sexes, try this:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/07/10/nbride110.xml
If the bridegroom had attacked the bride rather than vice-versa, do you think he'd have got away with the small fines she did?
Do you think the Sherrif would have said "If they have resolved matters there is no need for the further intervention of the court"?
Um no. He'd probably have got jail time and been forbidden from contact with her, even if she'd protested otherwise.
I suppose at least she got arrested rather than him, but I'm betting that the criminal case was only actively pursued because the hotel wanted damages.
And who wants to bet against me that the level of support he received from victim support services and abuse counsellors was exactly zilch? Anybody....(even Cindy!)?
Nope, didn't think so.
July 10th, 2007 at 12:49 pm
CRoss Says:
July 10th, 2007 at 10:26 am
I have to say that I actually agree with you about the Carrie Underwood song and I think it's horrible that she's gone from "Jesus take the Wheel" to this kind of violent garbage. I also think it's really disgusting that more and more women are becoming openly violent, at least in their song lyrics, performances, etc..
So now that you've found equivalent evidence of violence from both males and females, you're with us in supporting gender neutral and gender equal domestic violence laws?
If so, I applaud you.
July 10th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
Someone should simply create a parity of this song! Revers the genders, toss it up on U-tube and see what the response would be. My guess is that there would be a huge lashing out by radical feminist, in the chaos that would follow, a resounding conformation of double standard that exists today will become clearly apparent allowing for wider discussion of the topic.
Anyone disagree?
July 10th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
I don't. Of course, the person complaining about the parody wouldn't even get the point about the double standard. Woman bashing her husband's car in? Rock on! Man bashing his wife's possessions? Omigod! That's so awful! How could anyone even write something like that? The person wouldn't see the connection at all, even when it's explained to him/her.
July 10th, 2007 at 9:02 pm
Typical.
But the difference is, it isn't condemend when woman do it but is when men do it. In some circles I'm sure it is even seen as "empowerment" for woman.
July 10th, 2007 at 9:03 pm
Why all the hate on Carrie? The song was written by 2 males.
July 10th, 2007 at 9:50 pm
I think that this song is perfectly acceptable. This song isn't a essay or a column that advocates criminal acts in response to cheating. Music is often used to express the violent and negative emotions and thoughts that we have but know we must keep under control. There are plenty of artists NIN, Limp Bizket, manson, Eminem, etc that include in their music strong violent language that isn't meant to be taken literally.
July 10th, 2007 at 10:31 pm
I thought the song was bad enough when I believed that Carrie wrote it, but I think it's even worse if the song was written by men for a woman to perform. In fact if that's true, it helps me understand my reaction to the video that I couldn't quite put my finger on before. I don't think that Carrie Underwood is a manhater, but a sleazy dominatrix, who is definitely not gearing her message toward women, if you get my gist...
July 10th, 2007 at 10:39 pm
A "sleazy dominatrix"? Hmm... now that you mention it, she certainly looks the part in that picture!
July 10th, 2007 at 11:16 pm
The song was written by Chris Tompkins and Josh Kear.
July 11th, 2007 at 4:53 am
Actually kerro in Independence Day it is established that pretty much the whole town knows about the husbands abuse and does nothing, an that both the wife and the husband die in the fire not just the husband
July 11th, 2007 at 9:26 am
No doubt there are many songs written that we never hear because no one wants to sing them........NO?
July 11th, 2007 at 11:45 am
Anonymous, I see your point concerning women "morphing", but I don't necessarily share it because I do not believe that "women must act like women" and "men must act like men".. Most people, if they are truly honest with themselves, realize that each of us has both feminine traits and masculine traits. Perhaps that woman in the management position that "morphs" to a man, as you say, simply has more masculine traits. I too work in the business world, and in all honesty, I simply don't share your concern for women morphing to anything. Some women I work with have strong female traits and some have strong male traits. I don't for a moment believe that one is more "trustworthy" then the other. If anything, I am simply more comfortable with whichever one is the most rational. If that is the "more-female-female" so be it...if it is the "more-male-female" that's fine too.
Women (just like men) are INDIVIDUALS painted by genetics and life experiences. Each individual can be violent or empathic or a good parent or so on regardless of what is between his/her legs. The problem with the feminist movement today is they have lost sight of this ideal. Instead, they are demanding that the government provide women with special protections, special services, and special treatment either to make up for lost time (revenge) or to address a problem that most mainstream individuals don't believe exists anymore (female victimhood). Instead of focusing on similarities in order to bring people closer togther, they want (and have) special academic departments specifically focusing on the "female experience" simply because they wish to perpetuate the fiction that the "female experience" is vastly different then the "male experience."
Let me come at this from a different angle: in the DV discussions we have had on this site, we have tried to paint the DV problem not as a male vs. female issue but instead as a victim vs. abuser issue. I do not believe that women are just becoming violent now due to some "feminist training camp" to become more like men. After all, how many cartoons of yesteryear depict a woman chasing her husband around with a rolling pin? Women have been violent to men (just as men have been violent to women) for centuries. It is the modern feminist movement that has tried to paint this as a male vs. female problem. It is simply easier and in this day and age everyone (the media, the government granting agencies, donors, etc) loves easy. To say that it is a little more complicated then that muddies the water. Unfortunately for everyone, to fix the problem, we all need to start muddying the water a bit. That will also mean trying to bring the feminist movement back to its roots: the belief that everyone (male or female) should be judged and respected not by what is between their legs, but by their character as individuals.
July 11th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
Doesn't anyone remeber "Goodbye Earl" from the Dixie Chicks? The wife kills the husband, complete with funny video of Sipowicz from NYPD Blue being tied up and terrorized by his wife before killing him.
July 13th, 2007 at 4:25 am
They buy you dinner, open your door.
Other then that, what are they good for?
Men! I'm talkin' 'bout men.
They all want a girl just like the girl,
That married dear old dad: they make me so mad.
Men! I'm talkin' 'bout men.
Well, you can't beat 'em up 'cause they're bigger then you.
You can't live with 'em and you just can't shoot 'em.
Men! I'm talkin' 'bout men.
July 14th, 2007 at 10:25 pm
# Chris_C Says:
July 10th, 2007 at 12:49 pm
CRoss Says:
July 10th, 2007 at 10:26 am
"I have to say that I actually agree with you about the Carrie Underwood song and I think it's horrible that she's gone from "Jesus take the Wheel" to this kind of violent garbage. I also think it's really disgusting that more and more women are becoming openly violent, at least in their song lyrics, performances, etc.."
So now that you've found equivalent evidence of violence from both males and females, you're with us in supporting gender neutral and gender equal domestic violence laws?
If so, I applaud you.
Please in Cindy's world the female is always right no matter what.
July 18th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
Georgia band Rehab has a song that's kind of in the same idea but with a man. It's called "Sitting at a Bar" off of their "Southern Discomfort" album. The big difference is that he's not portrayed as a vindictive hero but more a sad sack who's drowning his sorrows at a bar, knowing that he's going to go back to jail for violating his parole. Like her song it's in the first person, from the POV of the "abuser". Over the course of the song he kicks in a door and crashes his wife's car because she throws his stuff out into the yard, calls him a bum, slaps him and is herself tripping on pills. While it doesn't celebrate that kind of behavior he does make him sympathedic and by saying that he'll be back in jail for parole violation it's pretty realistic.
Here's the CD version of the song with a neat ammature video on it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STOKbDpDZbA
Here's a live version of the same song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1gMg5TKmx8
July 19th, 2007 at 10:28 am
Glenn, you are right on in the notion that there's a double standard when it comes to the sexes. Pretty girls are given a pass even more frequently. In terms of the recording quality, the songwriting, the performance, and the production, it's a rare and great song. There's one problem. It sends the wrong message that revenge is a good thing. In fact, revenge is never satisfied.
Moreover, along the way, revenge can take an unexpected turn, as it did in this Carrie Underwood parody of mine:
Before She Beats (The Wrong Jeep)
Dr BLT
new lyrics and performance by Dr BLT Smash Records copyright 2007
http://www.drblt.net/music/B4SheBeats.mp3
August 14th, 2007 at 3:47 am
So, according to those songs, I can trash my cheating ex-girlfriend's home (Since You Were Gone), total her car (Before He Cheats) spend all her money (Hit 'Em Up Style), ecc...
August 14th, 2007 at 6:55 am
The first time I heard this song I thought the same thing as some of the other writers on this blog. What if the roles were reversed? The lyrics would probably be more like this:
And she don't know...
That I dug my key into the side of her pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, carved my name into her leather seats...I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
Maybe next time she'll think before she cheats
The next (realistic) stanza might be:
Now I'm in jail without a chance for bail because I have been convicted of criminal damage and attempted domestic violence. She's still at the bar with a brand new car looking for someone new. I wonder what he'll do the next time she cheats...
August 14th, 2007 at 10:28 am
As someone mentioned, the song was written by men.
That's neither here nor there, since the song is crap. ;)
August 14th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
Y'know, miss carrie would feel differently about promoting such violent acts if she understood a man , meaning, seeing him for the child he was before the man he became. Kinda softens your heart a lttle when you realize the people you're mean were once an innocent child. I can't wait until she and people like her have a SON to DEFEND.
February 28th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
[...] video is considerably more violent than Carrie Underwood's anti-male Before He Cheats, which was bad [...]
February 29th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
[...] video is considerably more violent than Carrie Underwood's anti-male Before He Cheats, which was bad [...]
February 29th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
I know exactly where she can stick that slugger.